I’ve been really sad today. Some of it is Maurice Sendak and all the feelings that is dredging up. Like, when I called M to tell him he just said, “Oh,” in a tone conveying the gravity of what I’d told him. I don’t know that he knows a whole lot about Maurice Sendak in general, I think he’s just remembering my epic meltdown at the Where the Wild Things Are movie, but I’m glad he got it. Some of it is the feelings I’ve been feeling in general and how well they tie into themes of loneliness and isolation and transition feeling lost with your own demons. I’m tired of being alone all the time, and I’m tired of feeling a lack of purpose.
I feel so ineffectual. The lovely and frankly pretty damn inspirational Pam helped me find a local community-building social and economic justice organization to try to get involved in, so I sent an email to one of the contacts there. I hope that I can get back into activist work and maybe that will help me feel a little less worthless at everything. The world feels too big today, though. Until I hear back from her I guess I’ll just go sit in the bath tub. Related, though not directly, I hate not being there for my friend and her baby.
(Source: crimesagainsthughsmanatees)
Making it sort of difficult to type. Don’t give a shit.
It seems like such a waste to have this giant cocktail ring and no one immediately accessible who deserves to be punched in the face.
I’m gonna just not say anything on the other blog for the rest of the day because Christ, I am fucking tired of white people talking about anything. I’m just popping over here to say that I feel really defeated and tired and I am going to curl up with crab cakes and alcohol, but that in saying that I feel the need to admit, or maybe even apologize for the fact that I have the ability to carve out a space, both mental and physical, in my day to attempt to disconnect from the issues that have left me feeling flattened and so many other people cannot. I’ll be hanging out here.
So, uh, this card of “congratulations” I just received from my aunt and uncle is the most undermining bullshit ever: Y/Y?
To quote my brother when I texted him the picture: “Wooooooow.”
I have no intention whatsoever of leaving my current job at this moment, but I have a Peace Corps application completed and not sent, and a Giant Financial Institution application completed and not sent, which seems like a pretty decent metaphor for how I feel about things.
I went to sleep, but M called and woke me up. Then rather than going back to sleep, I felt the need to get out of bed and poke at every single blackhead on my face and obsessively examine my skin for all its flaws, until, realizing I was acting like a batshit crazy person, I elected to paint my toe nails instead.
The stupid thing is that no matter how abstract the thing I’m feeling bad about, it always eventually manifests itself in feeling bad about my body. Which is deeply existentialist in a way, I guess.
